Murray, Stephen, Skyler & Tala
South Gippsland, Victoria
Personal items of the family (right to left from the bottom): elephant soft toy, kids’ tablets, coffee machine, toy pram, Tala’s & Skyler’s “Forever” books, teapot & mugs, gable, football, toy digger, toy unicorn, karaoke mic, miniature Buddha statue, Apple watch, world globe, Ninja blender, baby doll, mini Skyler-named hanging cushions, running shoes, Teddy & Poko (Skyler’s soft-toys from his littlest years), surfboard, theatre-themed mug, toy T-Rex, Vietnamese souvenir hats, mini Tala-named hanging cushions, spiritual weighted tortoise Medium: Watercolour on Paper
Winter 2020
Winter 2020
I met Murray, Stephen, Skyler & Tala through a rainbow family playgroup when they were living in Kingsville in 2019. From the hustle and bustle of London to hopping around Melbourne’s West, the family found a new place to call home in Venus Bay amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. However, they continue to have their lives revolving in Melbourne. With their hectic schedule, the constant calling of their home is hard to resist. In a heartbeat, the foursome would not hesitate to head southeast of the state where life's a beach.
I met Murray, Stephen, Skyler & Tala through a rainbow family playgroup when they were living in Kingsville in 2019. From the hustle and bustle of London to hopping around Melbourne’s West, the family found a new place to call home in Venus Bay amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. However, they continue to have their lives revolving in Melbourne. With their hectic schedule, the constant calling of their home is hard to resist. In a heartbeat, the foursome would not hesitate to head southeast of the state where life's a beach.
Life’s a Beach - Home in Venus Bay Medium: Acrylics on Canvas
Murray & Stephen
Murray & Stephen
Skyler (5 years) & Tala (4 years)
Skyler (5 years) & Tala (4 years)
Pet Dog: Patricia (1 ½ years)
Pet Dog: Patricia (1 ½ years)
Murray and Stephen were university students when they met while working at Werribee Zoo in Melbourne. Early on in their relationship, they discussed the prospect of starting a family. After thorough research on surrogacy, they felt that it was an unbefitting option for them. They parked the idea and carried on with their lives. After a decade of partnership, they went on a celebratory trip to New York when Stephen proposed to Murray. Over the moon to tie the knot, the couple started to plan for their wedding, held a year later at the Goring Hotel, London because same-sex marriage was yet to be legalised in Australia.
Murray and Stephen were university students when they met while working at Werribee Zoo in Melbourne. Early on in their relationship, they discussed the prospect of starting a family. After thorough research on surrogacy, they felt that it was an unbefitting option for them. They parked the idea and carried on with their lives. After a decade of partnership, they went on a celebratory trip to New York when Stephen proposed to Murray. Over the moon to tie the knot, the couple started to plan for their wedding, held a year later at the Goring Hotel, London because same-sex marriage was yet to be legalised in Australia.
As a matter of fact, Stephen also had a desire to extend his law qualifications to practice in the United Kingdom and European Union. Upon return to Melbourne, he applied for a job at a London-based firm. Not before long did he receive the job offer with a full relocation package, very much to Murray’s dismay! “I hate change. I was not ready to go and I did not want to go. I had a job I loved and I have all my friends and family here. But he really wanted it,” Murray recalled. They agreed for Stephen to take the leap to settle in London before Murray considered joining him. For the first time since being together, the couple separated. It was really difficult as they missed each other terribly. Despite moving into a share-house in St Kilda and attempting to live a new experience, Murray disliked being physically distant from his husband. He gave up on the ghost and reunited with Stephen abroad shortly after.
As a matter of fact, Stephen also had a desire to extend his law qualifications to practice in the United Kingdom and European Union. Upon return to Melbourne, he applied for a job at a London-based firm. Not before long did he receive the job offer with a full relocation package, very much to Murray’s dismay! “I hate change. I was not ready to go and I did not want to go. I had a job I loved and I have all my friends and family here. But he really wanted it,” Murray recalled. They agreed for Stephen to take the leap to settle in London before Murray considered joining him. For the first time since being together, the couple separated. It was really difficult as they missed each other terribly. Despite moving into a share-house in St Kilda and attempting to live a new experience, Murray disliked being physically distant from his husband. He gave up on the ghost and reunited with Stephen abroad shortly after.
Although they had been in London several times as tourists, little did Murray know how testing it would be to live there. “The initial seven months felt like 7 years. I was bitter and resentful for giving up the job I loved. I had no friends and I applied for so many jobs without any luck,” said Murray, who was qualified in social work as well as in advertising and marketing.
Although they had been in London several times as tourists, little did Murray know how testing it would be to live there. “The initial seven months felt like 7 years. I was bitter and resentful for giving up the job I loved. I had no friends and I applied for so many jobs without any luck,” said Murray, who was qualified in social work as well as in advertising and marketing.
When an opportunity arose, he tried his luck to be a flight attendant with British Airways. “I was so excited that I was looking at new travel suitcases and dreamt of a flight back to Australia to see family and friends all while on work duties,” Murray remembered. After a gruelling final day of interviews and activities, Murray eventually found himself to be the only one of the final few candidates unsuccessful for a position. “I was devastated. I absolutely hated it there. I was prepared to leave,” Murray stated when he hit rock bottom. The news also crushed Stephen yet he tried hard to console Murray, “I know you want to go and I know you are miserable, but there is this amateur theatre group I found for you. Why don’t you just go along?” Thankfully, this was the much-needed turning point. “Everyone was appalling and no one was a good actor (laughter). My first role was the prompt(er). I loved theatre and it was all so much fun,” Murray described his theatre calling where he subsequently took part in about 7 to 8 productions and made some best friends.
When an opportunity arose, he tried his luck to be a flight attendant with British Airways. “I was so excited that I was looking at new travel suitcases and dreamt of a flight back to Australia to see family and friends all while on work duties,” Murray remembered. After a gruelling final day of interviews and activities, Murray eventually found himself to be the only one of the final few candidates unsuccessful for a position. “I was devastated. I absolutely hated it there. I was prepared to leave,” Murray stated when he hit rock bottom. The news also crushed Stephen yet he tried hard to console Murray, “I know you want to go and I know you are miserable, but there is this amateur theatre group I found for you. Why don’t you just go along?” Thankfully, this was the much-needed turning point. “Everyone was appalling and no one was a good actor (laughter). My first role was the prompt(er). I loved theatre and it was all so much fun,” Murray described his theatre calling where he subsequently took part in about 7 to 8 productions and made some best friends.
The stars began to align when Murray secured a job with the LGBT domestic violence helpline. As he built on his professional and social circle, he started to turn around to learn that he loved London! One day while at work, a colleague just off the cuff said, “You’ll make a good dad,” to which Murray warmly explained how they considered surrogacy and decided not to pursue it. Like music to his ears, his colleague suggested that they could adopt. Filled with excitement, Murray went home to do his research and signed up for the adoption process that very night. They were eligible to adopt because they were also British citizens, and so their journey to parenthood began.
The stars began to align when Murray secured a job with the LGBT domestic violence helpline. As he built on his professional and social circle, he started to turn around to learn that he loved London! One day while at work, a colleague just off the cuff said, “You’ll make a good dad,” to which Murray warmly explained how they considered surrogacy and decided not to pursue it. Like music to his ears, his colleague suggested that they could adopt. Filled with excitement, Murray went home to do his research and signed up for the adoption process that very night. They were eligible to adopt because they were also British citizens, and so their journey to parenthood began.
Provided that all criteria were met, LGBT intended-parents were welcome to adopt children in the United Kingdom. Murray described an extensive, in-depth and structured adoption process that spanned two and a half years for them. Before intended parents were matched to the child(ren), the agency staff critically assessed applicants and provided training on children’s cognition, behaviour and attachment theory as well as preparing the intended parents for the worst-case scenarios on issues faced with vulnerable children. On “Panel Day,” after more than a year of commitment, assessment and training, Murray and Stephen were invited to stand before a large panel that would review the recommendations from their social workers who worked with them and ultimately approve the parents-to-be. “That day was nerve-wracking! All your time and commitment boiled down to that moment where you get told yay or nay,” Murray recalled. He continued, “Once you got the green light, it was down to business.”
Provided that all criteria were met, LGBT intended-parents were welcome to adopt children in the United Kingdom. Murray described an extensive, in-depth and structured adoption process that spanned two and a half years for them. Before intended parents were matched to the child(ren), the agency staff critically assessed applicants and provided training on children’s cognition, behaviour and attachment theory as well as preparing the intended parents for the worst-case scenarios on issues faced with vulnerable children. On “Panel Day,” after more than a year of commitment, assessment and training, Murray and Stephen were invited to stand before a large panel that would review the recommendations from their social workers who worked with them and ultimately approve the parents-to-be. “That day was nerve-wracking! All your time and commitment boiled down to that moment where you get told yay or nay,” Murray recalled. He continued, “Once you got the green light, it was down to business.”
“When we gained access to the database (of adoptee children), it felt just like a dating app. The profiles were written by the social workers and would have titles like, ‘Beautiful, love cuddles and big kisses.’” Murray remembered how confronting it was. There were also “Fair Days,” where adopters would go in to meet and play with the kids who were marked with a number. “At the end of the day, you get to say if you were interested in kid # …,” Murray continued his account, “One of the kids who had been to many of these days simply said to us, “I have been to enough of these to know that nobody wants me,” and that was just awful to hear and very sad.”
“When we gained access to the database (of adoptee children), it felt just like a dating app. The profiles were written by the social workers and would have titles like, ‘Beautiful, love cuddles and big kisses.’” Murray remembered how confronting it was. There were also “Fair Days,” where adopters would go in to meet and play with the kids who were marked with a number. “At the end of the day, you get to say if you were interested in kid # …,” Murray continued his account, “One of the kids who had been to many of these days simply said to us, “I have been to enough of these to know that nobody wants me,” and that was just awful to hear and very sad.”
“Owing to attachment theory, we realised that we wanted to adopt our children as early in age as possible because we wanted to form that attachment from when they were young and observe as many milestones as we could,” Murray shared some insight into how they started thinking about potential children. Even though there were not any photographs, Murray and Stephen’s hearts held onto Skyler and Tala’s profile. Something that was written there must have struck a chord with them. They were quick to express their interest to adopt these two little ones. Then, Tala was only a little more than a newborn while Skyler was about a year old.
“Owing to attachment theory, we realised that we wanted to adopt our children as early in age as possible because we wanted to form that attachment from when they were young and observe as many milestones as we could,” Murray shared some insight into how they started thinking about potential children. Even though there were not any photographs, Murray and Stephen’s hearts held onto Skyler and Tala’s profile. Something that was written there must have struck a chord with them. They were quick to express their interest to adopt these two little ones. Then, Tala was only a little more than a newborn while Skyler was about a year old.
Their application was shortlisted to be amongst three potential adoptive parents for Tala and Skyler. Before an allocation was granted, a pair of social workers advocating for the children would visit each home to interview the intended parents, assess their home environment as well as talk about the children. Murray and Stephen had never been more prepared in their lives because they knew that the social workers will only pick one family. “We thought about every single detail of how we could present an immaculate and perfect home. I even ironed the doona cover! Then I sat down with Stephen and created a menu to feed them.” Murray recited their composition to receive the visitors like it took place only yesterday. The day came around when they heard a knock on the door at their central London home. “OMG! This is it. As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted without a hello but, “Where do you pay for the parking? I parked there (with the social worker’s hand pointing outwards)….” so I jumped in to run down and pay at the parking meter, then placed the sticker on her car,” Murray described how quickly he organised it for them but returned all flustered. Thankfully, the day got on really well. One of the social workers spoke openly about her gay son, which created a common ground for the couple to connect well with. Their tried and tested muffins and Oak’s Day sandwiches (a recipe handed down from one of Stephen’s cousins) were also absolute winners. One of the visitors said, “These sandwiches are beautiful” while the other went, “Oh the muffin! Ooh, la la!” Without hesitancy, little takeaway bags were promptly made up for when the meeting ended.
Their application was shortlisted to be amongst three potential adoptive parents for Tala and Skyler. Before an allocation was granted, a pair of social workers advocating for the children would visit each home to interview the intended parents, assess their home environment as well as talk about the children. Murray and Stephen had never been more prepared in their lives because they knew that the social workers will only pick one family. “We thought about every single detail of how we could present an immaculate and perfect home. I even ironed the doona cover! Then I sat down with Stephen and created a menu to feed them.” Murray recited their composition to receive the visitors like it took place only yesterday. The day came around when they heard a knock on the door at their central London home. “OMG! This is it. As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted without a hello but, “Where do you pay for the parking? I parked there (with the social worker’s hand pointing outwards)….” so I jumped in to run down and pay at the parking meter, then placed the sticker on her car,” Murray described how quickly he organised it for them but returned all flustered. Thankfully, the day got on really well. One of the social workers spoke openly about her gay son, which created a common ground for the couple to connect well with. Their tried and tested muffins and Oak’s Day sandwiches (a recipe handed down from one of Stephen’s cousins) were also absolute winners. One of the visitors said, “These sandwiches are beautiful” while the other went, “Oh the muffin! Ooh, la la!” Without hesitancy, little takeaway bags were promptly made up for when the meeting ended.
Thereafter, it was about a week of sleepless nights, waiting on the outcome of their application, vying to adopt the precious children against the other intended parents. “By this time, we knew everything about the kids! Yet I knew I cannot get attached, but my mind was running away thinking, “These could be my children!” Murray related his feelings at that point and continued “When we ultimately received the call and got told, “They’re yours!” it all just felt like too much for me and I needed to unplug. It was such a journey!” Up until this point, Murray advised that no adoptive parents would have had any contact with the children, which would only occur after they were designated.
Thereafter, it was about a week of sleepless nights, waiting on the outcome of their application, vying to adopt the precious children against the other intended parents. “By this time, we knew everything about the kids! Yet I knew I cannot get attached, but my mind was running away thinking, “These could be my children!” Murray related his feelings at that point and continued “When we ultimately received the call and got told, “They’re yours!” it all just felt like too much for me and I needed to unplug. It was such a journey!” Up until this point, Murray advised that no adoptive parents would have had any contact with the children, which would only occur after they were designated.
A transfer schedule was planned for Murray and Stephen to visit Tala and Skyler at their foster home over subsequent weeks. The parents-to-be would learn the ropes directly from the foster parents while getting to know their children. The transition started with observation with more and more involvement in the children’s care over time. Towards the end, before Tala and Skyler moved in with them, Murray and Stephen were largely doing all the care and routines. Even after they started living together as a family, the foster parents would visit Skyler and Tala in their new home, reassuring them of their continued presence in their lives, maintained until today. The family exchanges greetings and updates with each other every few days.
A transfer schedule was planned for Murray and Stephen to visit Tala and Skyler at their foster home over subsequent weeks. The parents-to-be would learn the ropes directly from the foster parents while getting to know their children. The transition started with observation with more and more involvement in the children’s care over time. Towards the end, before Tala and Skyler moved in with them, Murray and Stephen were largely doing all the care and routines. Even after they started living together as a family, the foster parents would visit Skyler and Tala in their new home, reassuring them of their continued presence in their lives, maintained until today. The family exchanges greetings and updates with each other every few days.
The Birthplace of Carlton-Sayers Family Medium: Watercolor on Paper
“It was not after they lived with us for about half a year that we applied for a parental order, a total of 8-9 months before you are officially signed off as the children’s parents. Although there was the court day, by then it was already all approved. Still, it was a really big day because that is the day that we were officially recognised!” Murray rejoiced on the day they legally became parents. In the lead up to that point, the social workers continued to visit and provide support. The social workers also made a life storybook for the children, known as their “Forever” book, recounting the time around their foster years through to joining their lifelong family. “We read their books with them regularly and we share their story with them (in an age-appropriate manner) because the more a child knows where they came from, the less they would be wondering and the better it would be. These books are a huge part of our family and it is kinda like an anchor too. If one of them is feeling a bit sad and wondering, we will bring the book out and have a look,” Murray explained.
“It was not after they lived with us for about half a year that we applied for a parental order, a total of 8-9 months before you are officially signed off as the children’s parents. Although there was the court day, by then it was already all approved. Still, it was a really big day because that is the day that we were officially recognised!” Murray rejoiced on the day they legally became parents. In the lead up to that point, the social workers continued to visit and provide support. The social workers also made a life storybook for the children, known as their “Forever” book, recounting the time around their foster years through to joining their lifelong family. “We read their books with them regularly and we share their story with them (in an age-appropriate manner) because the more a child knows where they came from, the less they would be wondering and the better it would be. These books are a huge part of our family and it is kinda like an anchor too. If one of them is feeling a bit sad and wondering, we will bring the book out and have a look,” Murray explained.
After becoming parents, Murray left his job and the theatre while Stephen was able to take 12 months of parental leave to adjust to family life. Despite pouring all their energy into being the best parents, the duo cited that parenting must be the hardest thing ever. They were far from being alone because many other new parents feel the same. However, they were on their own where family support was concerned. “It quickly became apparent that the kids do not have aunties, uncles and grandparents that we were seeing in others. It can take a village to raise a kid, and there were only the two of us. Even though we did not intend to return to Australia, we had all our extended family waiting for us,” Murray relayed how they began thinking about returning down under.
After becoming parents, Murray left his job and the theatre while Stephen was able to take 12 months of parental leave to adjust to family life. Despite pouring all their energy into being the best parents, the duo cited that parenting must be the hardest thing ever. They were far from being alone because many other new parents feel the same. However, they were on their own where family support was concerned. “It quickly became apparent that the kids do not have aunties, uncles and grandparents that we were seeing in others. It can take a village to raise a kid, and there were only the two of us. Even though we did not intend to return to Australia, we had all our extended family waiting for us,” Murray relayed how they began thinking about returning down under.
While they explored their relocation back to Melbourne, Stephen was lucky to learn that the firm he was with would offer a paid relocation package for the whole family to settle back in Melbourne. “It really was for the best (with the kids in mind),” Murray reflected on their decision. The family now continues to maintain regular contact with Skyler and Tala’s foster family in London, their peers from the adoptive parent group and the social workers who worked with and supported them, with the view that the children may grow up looking to reconnect with their roots.
While they explored their relocation back to Melbourne, Stephen was lucky to learn that the firm he was with would offer a paid relocation package for the whole family to settle back in Melbourne. “It really was for the best (with the kids in mind),” Murray reflected on their decision. The family now continues to maintain regular contact with Skyler and Tala’s foster family in London, their peers from the adoptive parent group and the social workers who worked with and supported them, with the view that the children may grow up looking to reconnect with their roots.
It took several years before the family found a true place to call home in Venus Bay. Before that, they hopped around Melbourne’s west to let the kids connect with both Murray’s and Stephen’s families. Skyler and Tala got to know everyone and were showered with the love that they so deserved, having emigrated from halfway around the world. As Murray and Stephen’s work remained in Melbourne, and both Skyler and Tala attended schools in the inner north, they also have a rental home to see them through the times they needed to be in town. In a heartbeat, however, they would head to Venus Bay with Patricia, their golden retriever that became part of the family shortly after finding their beachside home. The COVID-19 pandemic served as a blessing in disguise because it guided them to their home-finding in South Gippsland, with plentiful opportunities to live there through the many and extended lockdowns that Victoria endured. Being by the beach, close to nature with endless space for the kids to play while Daddy (Stephen) and Papa (Murray) worked was as good as it got in those circumstances.
It took several years before the family found a true place to call home in Venus Bay. Before that, they hopped around Melbourne’s west to let the kids connect with both Murray’s and Stephen’s families. Skyler and Tala got to know everyone and were showered with the love that they so deserved, having emigrated from halfway around the world. As Murray and Stephen’s work remained in Melbourne, and both Skyler and Tala attended schools in the inner north, they also have a rental home to see them through the times they needed to be in town. In a heartbeat, however, they would head to Venus Bay with Patricia, their golden retriever that became part of the family shortly after finding their beachside home. The COVID-19 pandemic served as a blessing in disguise because it guided them to their home-finding in South Gippsland, with plentiful opportunities to live there through the many and extended lockdowns that Victoria endured. Being by the beach, close to nature with endless space for the kids to play while Daddy (Stephen) and Papa (Murray) worked was as good as it got in those circumstances.
Patricia, the Golden Retriever Medium: Colour Pencils on Paper
Aside from attending school and pre-school, Skyler and Tala also attended regular activities where Daddy and Papa enjoyed seeing them flourish. Tala learnt yoga, dance and swimming throughout the week, while Skyler joined soccer training on weekends. With time and endless love, Skyler and Tala grew and adapted to family life in Melbourne. Their apparent vulnerabilities from when they were adopted, has all but vanished, transformed into happy, confident and well-adjusted children. Especially for Skyler, “To who he was then to who he is now; completely different! He is himself now,” Murray said with conviction, relating how much effort was required to explain and reassure their activities to Skyler. With that behind them, the family may carry on with their routines unperturbed by the children’s vulnerable past.
Aside from attending school and pre-school, Skyler and Tala also attended regular activities where Daddy and Papa enjoyed seeing them flourish. Tala learnt yoga, dance and swimming throughout the week, while Skyler joined soccer training on weekends. With time and endless love, Skyler and Tala grew and adapted to family life in Melbourne. Their apparent vulnerabilities from when they were adopted, has all but vanished, transformed into happy, confident and well-adjusted children. Especially for Skyler, “To who he was then to who he is now; completely different! He is himself now,” Murray said with conviction, relating how much effort was required to explain and reassure their activities to Skyler. With that behind them, the family may carry on with their routines unperturbed by the children’s vulnerable past.
Although Murray felt complete and content at home, he also found professional satisfaction working full-time for a not-for-profit LGBTQI+ health organisation. In addition, he volunteers for Rainbow Dads Victoria, a community social group that support and build friendships amongst rainbow dads/intended parents, which also enables their children the opportunity to spend time and meet with other rainbow families like theirs.
Although Murray felt complete and content at home, he also found professional satisfaction working full-time for a not-for-profit LGBTQI+ health organisation. In addition, he volunteers for Rainbow Dads Victoria, a community social group that support and build friendships amongst rainbow dads/intended parents, which also enables their children the opportunity to spend time and meet with other rainbow families like theirs.
