Dario, Wei, Emilia & Grace

Summer 2023

The sun was shining on a glorious summer’s day as I drove through the winding back roads to Mount Macedon. The bushland, fields, and paddocks stretched out under the backdrop of the mountain, still lush and green, offering a perfect haven for wildlife. Kangaroos, wallabies, alpacas, horses, sheep, cattle, and even an echidna were part of the landscape, while the sound of cockatoos and kookaburras filled the air. A little under an hour’s drive northwest of Melbourne, I rolled down my car window to breathe in the fresh country air, soaking in the sights of the animals as they went about their day.

I remembered Mount Macedon’s stunning autumn colours and the powerful Anzac Day Dawn Service at the Memorial Cross atop the mountain—moments that drew crowds in awe. But today, the peace and tranquillity of the surroundings were palpable, and it was easy to see why Dario and Wei chose to make this their home.

They had spent two years searching for a place that would nurture their family, and the beauty of this land, with its four distinct seasons, cooler summers, and even the occasional snowfall in winter, felt like a perfect fit for their vision. They’ve since enjoyed watching their daughters, Emilia and Grace, grow up here, often encountering free-roaming deer, wombats, koalas, and foxes as part of their family’s connection to nature.

But this idyllic life is not without its risks. The shadow of Ash Wednesday’s devastating bushfires still lingers in the community’s memory, reminding everyone of the fragility of this paradise. Dario and Wei’s strict fire safety plan serves as a reminder of the danger that summer bushfires pose, ensuring that the safety of their children remains their top priority. Yet, despite these risks, the family has found peace and a sense of belonging in their home, building not just a house but a community where they can thrive and grow.

Dario & Wei

Emilia (7 years) & Grace (5 years) 

Dario and Wei met in Melbourne through an online dating app in 2009. At the time, Dario had established his career in optometry while Wei was a junior doctor. Wei’s commitment to specialise in rural general practice alongside Dario’s long locum work stints meant they had to constantly ensure plans to meet and slowly get to know each other. “There was not a time that we officially became a couple. We simply rolled on from weeks to months and then years. Over time, we found ourselves very comfortable with each other,” Dario said. After several years, their careers and life trajectories converged. “I finished my training and had the pleasure to satisfy my wanderlust, while Dario reached a point where he felt professionally and financially content,” Wei recounted the earlier days with his husband. 

Dario initiated the conversation to have children together. “Soon after I came out (as being gay) in the early noughties, I chanced upon a documentary of a same-sex male couple who started a family through surrogacy,” Dario recalled the idea that had stuck in his mind ever since, recognising his natural desire to become a parent and also waiting for the right partner to come along. On the contrary, for Wei, who grew up in a conservative Malaysian society, the idea of having children as a gay man seemed beyond reach. "It was already a blessing to be able to live openly and freely in an LGBTQ+ friendly society, so having children was a little beyond my optimism," Wei related, despite having lived in Australia for more than 10 years by then. That conversation catalysed a seed that would grow into their family.

Dario and Wei began researching their prospects of starting a family. “We did not know anyone, and there were no social media groups like there are now,” Wei recounted the beginning of their journey. Determined to have biological children, they embarked on learning more about surrogacy options. Until now, Australia has only permitted altruistic surrogacy, while commercial surrogacy arrangements are only legal in certain countries. 

When they weighed up on altruistic surrogacy, the couple felt a bit lost because they did not know anyone who would be a suitable surrogate. They were also unaware of meet-up groups with potential altruistic surrogates, which are now slightly more prevalent. Without totally closing that door, they concurrently explored commercial surrogacy abroad. Initially, the perceived financial burden led Dario and Wei towards lower-cost destinations. “However, we soon learned that India restricted single men and same-sex couples from accessing surrogacy services. Then, the Thai government placed a ban on foreign and same-sex couples in 2015,” Dario recited their disappointments. They were also unnerved to learn that the commercial surrogacy industry around the world was rife with exploitation, and the local laws may not protect the rights of all parties involved. “It did not take long for us to feel overwhelmed by the complexities at hand that we decided to seek expert advice from an Australian-based surrogacy expert lawyer,” Dario added. The meeting informed their decision to pursue surrogacy in the United States (US), citing the progressive laws, legal protections, and modern healthcare system as key factors. They also learnt that the different states in the US had varying surrogacy laws and that the costs could also be highly variable. 

Dario and Wei began by making e-mail contact with their surrogacy agency in Minnesota. An initial meeting was held via Skype video conference to discuss the process, timeline, and address queries from the intended parents. Once they gained confidence in the recommended agency, they proceeded to sign up. It was the first of many contracts to come, recognising that the surrogacy agency was the central coordinating service in their journey, which was also responsible for facilitating the match with their future surrogate. They knew it would be another twelve to 18 months before they would begin matching with prospective surrogates. During this time, Dario and Wei were assisted in selecting an IVF agency and finding an egg donor. 

Their surrogacy agency presented a summary of IVF clinics across the US and Canada for consideration. “There were about four to 5 clinics, with available data on success rates of each clinic’s fresh or frozen embryo transfers and associated costs for various IVF packages. Even though we were not limited to committing to these clinics, it was a good overview of the IVF landscape available,” Dario described. Their ultimate choice was informed by the location of the clinic (on the West Coast, as it is closer to Australia), the favourable cost of a desirable package, as well as having connected positively with one of the fertility specialists at a surrogacy meeting for gay dads in Melbourne. “We knew we wanted two children, and the family package guaranteed at least one live birth, followed by the opportunity to have a second child through the remaining frozen embryos,” Dario gave further insight into their decision. 

On the other hand, identifying their egg donor was much more difficult. Their selected IVF clinic’s egg donor database seemed like the most streamlined option to begin their selection. Disappointingly, the egg donor profiles were less than desirable. “He was spending hours on end flipping through profiles akin to a dating site to no avail,” Wei said. Even though they knew it would be double or triple in cost, Dario started looking at external egg donor agencies. Their optimism grew as they discovered that independent egg donor agencies provided more comprehensive profiles of prospective egg donors. Information, including their age, educational background with GPA scores, medical history, sports, hobbies, and other interests, was available. Furthermore, the donors’ family trees were also shared along with the respective occupations and medical conditions of family members. The donors could also write about themselves and their decision to be egg donors. Once they learnt about the potential egg donors available, Dario and Wei justified their decision against the cost. “Each decision along our journey needed to feel right. The egg donor contributes 50% of our children’s genetics, so we needed to feel assured that we have chosen someone whose personality and background align with our values, which we would hopefully see blossom in our children as they grow,” Dario shed light on the motivation towards his diligence. 

Before deciding on their chosen donor, Dario and Wei were able to request more photographs of the donor’s childhood years to present, as well as ask further questions. “Although she was an anonymous donor, the little interaction we had gave us a sense of her personality coming through her writing style and the content that she shared with us,” Wei added that it was priceless to file all that information together so that their children can appreciate their biological origins when the time comes. 

Dario and Wei were relieved to have chosen their egg donor while still awaiting a surrogate match. Then, they redirected their focus toward finding a family home. Their vision for a home was influenced by a desire to be closer to nature, accessible to Melbourne, and affordable. It was overwhelming to try and find a home in Melbourne, but they were blessed to find theirs through an off-market purchase after attending an uncountable number of open inspections. “We were blown away by the tranquillity here, a haven surrounded by nature with privacy, perfectly blended with convenience and a wonderful community,” Dario spoke proudly of their property while reflecting on Wei’s positive experience with the community after previously working in the area.

Soon enough, the surrogate matching process came forth, and the men were presented with a potential surrogate match, one at a time. All available surrogates were screened before the matching process. Complete medical and psychological assessments were presented alongside their general profiles, including information on whether they were new or previously successful surrogates, as well as associated costs and insurance coverage. The process was more structured and less overwhelming when compared with finding their egg donor. “We were quite unimpressed with the initial profiles. With subsequent profiles, we started to find higher calibre candidates, which validated our decision to pass on earlier potential surrogates where we had various reservations,” Wei reflected as Dario shared one of their decisions about persevering to find their perfect surrogate, “I was quite uncomfortable with an otherwise perfect candidate who was on an anti-depressant medication despite the reassurance of its safety and compatibility with pregnancy.” They felt that it was likely that the initial profiles were also ones potentially passed by other intended parents, hence coming up on their list first. Once they finally found the “one”, a facilitated video-conference meeting was held to host a meet-and-greet while allowing both parties to address questions and concerns. 

From there, everything proceeded smoothly, and they were able to agree on terms that worked for everyone. The professionals across their surrogacy agency, egg donor agency, and IVF clinics were responsive and efficiently coordinated various procedures, including sperm deposits, IVF schedules, egg donation, and embryo transfers, as well as blood tests and medical appointments, through to face-to-face meet-ups with their surrogate and her family before Emilia, their firstborn, was due. “We were so grateful for our superb case manager, who supported us throughout our sibling journeys. She would get back to us with any written queries within twenty-four to 48 hours, was meticulous with her work, and it made the whole difference when you are expecting from the other side of the world,” Wei wanted to make a special mention in appreciation for the warm, honest and kind professionalism they encountered. Dario and Wei also recalled how blessed they felt when their egg donor agency generously absorbed several hundred dollars from their account at the end of their surrogacy journey. “I was moved to tears by the kind gesture because we had spent a lot of our life savings to start a family, yet that moment made me realise that they had genuinely held our hands the whole time and that their hearts were very close to the beautiful work that they did,” Wei spoke emotionally. 

Fortunately, the sibling journey was broadly similar, except that they did not have to go through the process of finding an egg donor because they had five remaining frozen embryos. Their surrogate also agreed to carry their second child. “The experience was almost identical, and we were heartened because we had trust and confidence in her,” Dario shared. It also meant that their children share commonalities in their origins, having the same egg donor, as well as the same person who gave birth to them in the same hospital, not to mention the same people who helped them throughout. 

Dario and Wei count their blessings every day for how smooth their surrogacy experience was, given that there had been many intended parents on similar journeys who encountered various roadblocks. However, it was not entirely smooth sailing. While there were minor hiccups that were easy to ride through, the joyous welcome of Grace was short-lived when she became unwell 10 days after her birth. 

“It was about two hours to midnight. Emilia was already asleep. Suddenly, Dario called out to come and observe Grace’s rapid breathing.” Wei began the story by stating that Grace was perfectly fine, not too long before. To their dismay, a quick temperature check also showed a low-grade fever. As a doctor, Wei could hardly bring himself to believe what would follow, knowing what his baby girl would face. He also knew he needed to remain grounded to support the family, so he kept his thoughts to himself. They reached out to the emergency after-hours coordinator at their surrogacy agency, who advised them to travel back to Grace’s birth hospital, an hour away. Due to the complexity of surrogacy, all the relevant medical history, legal documents, and insurance information were readily available for access to care in the least complicated fashion at her birth hospital. After quickly packing a couple of days' worth of clothes for the family, they woke Emilia up in preparation for the trip. Wei’s mum, who was present to provide support, decided to stay back in their rental accommodation. 

By midnight, the family presented Grace at the emergency department. By then, she had a substantial fever, but thankfully, she was not looking any worse. The hospital staff acted quickly to examine Grace, but was equally quick to advise that she needed urgent investigations and antibiotic treatment. Dario volunteered to take Emilia out of the room so that Wei could accompany Grace during this time. While a chest x-ray took place swiftly, a heel prick blood test and urine samples were easily collected, Wei’s heart ached with every single needle that subsequently jabbed Grace. Three unsuccessful attempts at the lumbar puncture, also known as a spinal tap to obtain fluid from around the spinal cord, only led to poor-quality samples. It was followed by numerous attempts at cannula insertions to try and find a conduit to commence intravenous antibiotics. “I can still see and hear her cries whenever I think of it, to the end of which she was utterly exhausted and almost limp as I held her in my arms,” Wei cried as he relived the highly traumatic moments. An hour went by in the emergency department, still without intravenous access to commence antibiotics, before the paediatrician requested that Grace be brought to the ward. There, the experienced neonatal nurses ultimately inserted a cannula into a vein on Grace’s forehead. “Having been on the other side of the table did not make the experience any easier when you are holding your distressed newborn while she was being subjected to medical procedures repeatedly without success,” Wei confessed.

As Grace stabilised with medical treatment, the family checked out of their short-stay rental to move to the adjacent hospital-affiliated accommodation for family and carers. It was later determined that Grace contracted a urinary tract infection when she was born. For the next 10 days, Dario, Wei, and his mum took turns being with Grace while she recovered at the hospital. Despite the setbacks at the initial presentation, Grace recovered uneventfully, and the whole family was very grateful for the care they received, which later accounted for over USD 40,000. Their surrogate’s insurance company covered the sum because legal proceedings for parentage transfer had not occurred, much to the family’s relief. Soon after the ordeal, both Dario and Wei’s mum expressed how uncomfortable they were when caring for Grace, while she had the cannula on her forehead for the fear of knocking it off, whether it be to change or to feed her. Their photographs’ timeline captured the joyous arrival of Grace and her early days of life, but purposefully avoided those traumatising moments. “It was a distressing time in our lives, one that we would rather keep buried than be reminded,” Dario chipped in as he held that memory hidden away, grateful for her recovery. 

By the time they returned to Melbourne, their Mount Macedon home was still not ready for them to move into, with renovation plans in place. Just before they went to the US to receive Grace, they moved out of a two-bedroom inner-city apartment to a townhouse in the inner west, allowing for more space in anticipation of their growing family. Before they knew it, COVID-19 hit and stopped much of the building industry, leaving Dario and Wei renting longer than anticipated. In retrospect, spending more time in Melbourne proved valuable. “We needed as much help as possible in the children’s early years, and both our parents live in Melbourne along with Emilia and Grace’s two godmothers,” Dario said. Although it would have been nice to have the space and nature in our new home to isolate during COVID-19, that period allowed the children to bond more deeply with family and loved ones, and being closer to them made it easier. In contrast, the kids are busy with school on weekdays now and do not have the luxury of spending as much time with extended family as they used to. 

Before and after starting their family, Dario and Wei lived in various parts of Melbourne, from inner-city and western suburbs to the Macedon Ranges. They observed that the community of rainbow families has grown substantially over the years, particularly with the emergence of Facebook groups for rainbow families and associated children’s playgroups. “Rainbow families are still far and few in between, especially when we consider where Emilia and Grace attended kindergarten and their primary school now, where they were and still are the only children with same-sex parents,” Wei described. Fortunately, the family had not experienced any stigma or discrimination, as childhood educators and teachers were all receptive to diverse families, with the children's best interests at heart. “We are fortunate to live in a progressive society in Melbourne. “However, we still need to be proactively engaged to ensure that Emilia and Grace will be well-received through an inclusive environment while allowing them to observe our pride in coming from a rainbow family,” Wei affirmed. The family is also well-engaged with the Rainbow Dads Victoria community, attending several events each year. These precious catch-ups with other rainbow dads and their children ensure that Emilia and Grace appreciate that while our family type is a minority, they are far from alone, allowing them to strengthen their identity and resilience.

Although they felt their family was complete, Dario and Wei held onto four remaining frozen embryos until Grace was about four or five years old. Initially, they kept the embryos as a safeguard in case anything happened to the children. “Year on year, we would weigh up the decision to pay our renewal fees for those embryos to remain on ice when the time eventually came that we realised we were no longer as vibrant and energetic to feel able to live through the upbringing of a newborn all over again,” Wei shared their decision-making to let go of their frozen embryos. In conjunction, another decision that continues to weigh on them is the opportunity to register for the Donor Sibling Registry. This database enabled donor-conceived children to be registered and potentially find other unknown siblings in the future. Based on advice from their egg donor agency, they were informed that there had not been any other children associated with their anonymous donor, who had registered. Therefore, Dario and Wei have continued to hold off on registering.

Like many modern families, Dario and Wei’s weekly routine is a grind; a constant juggle of home, work, school, extracurricular activities, and social life. “It’s not uncommon to feel like we’re constantly running at 110%, so we just need to schedule the breaks and make sure we spread out our commitments,” Wei said. Emilia and Grace gain exposure to a wide range of extracurricular activities, rotating through dance, martial arts, swimming, futsal, and more. Dario and Wei hope that through this diversity of experiences, they’ll be able to harness their daughters' strengths and passions. At home, Wei speaks Cantonese daily, and both Emilia and Grace have been learning Chinese since they were toddlers. “They can understand simple day-to-day conversations, but they’re still hesitant to speak,” Wei noted with enthusiasm, acknowledging the ongoing challenge, especially in an English-speaking society. Together with Dario, they both believe that language is an invaluable gift that becomes increasingly difficult to acquire as we grow older, making it worthwhile to persevere with.

As days pass and routines unfold, Dario and Wei find comfort in their family rhythm, even amidst the inevitable chaos. The rapid passing of time, watching their daughters grow into confident and compassionate individuals, brings a sense of fulfilment that no hectic schedule can take away. It’s these mundane routines of life, often overlooked moments, that, when pieced together, make families richer. While they love living in the Macedon Ranges, the couple’s next adventures are always on the horizon. Emilia and Grace’s eyes sparkle at the thought of exploring new places, tasting unfamiliar foods, and soaking in the world's diversity. Through travel, Dario and Wei continuously emphasise the importance of connection, understanding, and the beauty of cultural exchange, one of the greatest treasures they can pass on, akin to sharing the Chinese language with them like an inherited personal identity. “We are so fortunate to have Emilia and Grace in our lives, and we feel compelled to share as much as we can with them,” Dario reflected. “It gets hard at times, but it’s equally joyous. We wouldn’t change a moment from the past, nor would we want anything to be different in the future as a family.”