Aaron, Brian, Franco & Yersi

Autumn 2022

Memories took me back to my first telephone conversation with Aaron in 2019. I shared the men’s excitement about becoming Queensland’s first same-sex couple to adopt from overseas. When society emerged from COVID-19 lockdowns, I was eager to meet with Aaron and Brian to retrace their family journey amidst the unprecedented pandemic. The warm autumn day with remnants of recent wet weather reminded me that I was in the Sunshine State. Their hilly neighbourhood reminiscent of its historic quarry days stood proud with a cosmopolitan and diverse community. I walked along the family’s regular paths and reflected in the nearby park, envisioning the joys, fulfilment and laughter that they would share as they form many treasured memories together.

Aaron & Brian

Franco (10 years) & Yersi (6 years) 

Pet Dog: Ziggy (2 years)

For same-sex couples, having children is almost never an accident. Knowing where to start commonly presents a conundrum. Despite massive deliberation and preparation, doubts and uncertainties continuously surface to rock the journey to parenthood. 

When Aaron and Brian met online in 2011, they shared a dream of having a family. It was a dream they never thought they would realise. Conversations reignited when amendments were made to Queensland’s adoption law in November 2016 to allow same-sex couples to adopt children.

Aaron and Brian started by attending information sessions held by the Queensland Government, informing them of the adoption programs, trends, legislation and processes. As excited as they were about the prospect, memories remain vivid as they were told in one of the sessions, “Look around the room tonight. There are about 400 people here. Annually, we hold several of these sessions and get a couple of thousand expressions of interest (EOIs). However, there are only about ten adoptions each year.” The harsh reality that only a slim minority would ultimately adopt dampened their hopes, prompting a period of contemplation over the next twelve months. This time was vital for them to ensure that they managed their expectations and were emotionally prepared for the adoption journey. At the same time, they debated the suitability of surrogacy to create their family. 

To them, the adoption program conferred advantages, like knowing that the children were real, would be of a specific age range and that these children did not have a forever family. “The children were already there waiting for us to do what we needed to, to bring us together,” Brian shared some insights into their decision-making. On the other hand, surrogacy presented its complexities which would neither have necessarily been an easier nor quicker journey, not to mention the pregnancy-related risks. 

Come late 2017, Aaron and Brian submitted their EOI for the Queensland adoption program. Even though the statistics appear stacked against them, they set their minds to wait for another twelve months. Much to their surprise, Queensland Adoption Services contacted them after three months with a phone call that rang like music to their ears, “The department would like to select your application to progress for further assessment. You would be the first same-sex couple in Queensland for international adoption, and we would be learning alongside your journey. Would you be comfortable with that?” the government agent offered. They understood that it was essential to set their expectations because the service would be learning new processes and navigating an unknown path. “It would be new for us whether we were the first or the hundredth. However, the downside of being first was that there were no other families like ours to turn to for support along the way,” Aaron shared. Nonetheless, many other families who had gone through the Queensland adoption programs were very supportive even though they were not from the rainbow community. 

Two additional days of information sessions followed the phone call. Six selected applicants attended to learn what the subsequent two years would entail and a further opportunity to re-evaluate their commitment. Through participation, Aaron and Brian discovered that the number of children adopted domestically was minimal because affected children in Australia typically wind up in kinship care. “In our application, we could choose countries from a list available for international adoption. Colombia was truly the only option because the alternative country, South Africa, that would adopt to same-sex couples had never had their program open to Australia,” Aaron described.

To many, adoption should be a straightforward process of placing adoptee children with interested adoptive parents or families. The contrary is true because of the highly complex procedures to protect the children's best interests. The complexity encompassed both countries for inter-country adoptions that Aaron and Brian needed to navigate. “There was a same-sex couple from NSW who had previously adopted from Colombia. Their support was precious, especially in guiding us to understand the different requirements between the two governments,” Aaron expressed gratitude because no prior Queenslanders had adopted from Colombia. 

“The children’s needs drove the process we experienced, where a suitable match to adoptive parents was the desired outcome. It was not about what the adoptive parents wanted but more so, whether the intended parents could deliver a home with the care that met the needs of the adoptee child(ren),” Aaron explained. For the Colombian government to review Aaron and Brian’s suitability as adoptive parents, the Queensland Adoptive Services needed to facilitate a comprehensive profile for assessment. The couple began by writing their profiles that addressed their interest and suitability criteria. After that, they had multiple home visits and interviews with a social worker to discuss many factors influencing the couple’s ability to be adoptive parents, including their family and social backgrounds. In conjunction, police, medical and psychological assessments were mandatory. Their house was formally evaluated to ensure that it was built and designed to be safe for children. In addition, Aaron and Brian needed to review their comfort and capacity in caring for children with different biopsychosocial (including medical conditions and disabilities) and educational needs in partnership with the state government. 

Through this intensive period, Aaron and Brian discovered that adopting a sibling group was feasible. With support from their social worker, they preferenced a sibling group aged zero to 9. Adopted children would generally be supported to first remain with their birth family, then followed by kinship care, culturally aligned or more local adoptive families, before finally being considered for overseas adoption. “For us, a sibling group created a bigger family unit where the children can support each other while they learn to bond with us in a foreign country with a different language and culture along with everything else,” Brian disclosed. However, they knew that while adopting a sibling group can be extremely powerful for the children, it can be more challenging for the parents because the sibling connection can be strong, making it more difficult to engage and bond with them initially. “We were comfortable with the prospect of taking longer to bond with them if it meant that they had their sibling bond as they absorbed and digested the life-changing events before them,” Brian continued. 

The joyous parents who can now reflect positively on their experience noted that the pre-match procedures aided them in understanding themselves as individuals and as a couple in their capacity to provide for their children. From here, the program can support keen parents to build a tool kit and provide education and resources to care for children from many backgrounds, experiences and needs. Aaron and Brian felt that it was essential to understand that the process was not judging their suitability to adopt but rather that the Colombian government had an honest and complete profile to enable them to find the best match for adoptee children looking for a home. 

Two years after commencing their assessment, the Queensland government approved their profiles, Aaron and Brian knew it was just waiting time ahead. Unfortunately, this time could be a matter of months to years. “There was still a level of uncertainty. Days would pass where we felt like it was never going to happen; that you are just a pile of papers sitting on a desk, cabinet or database somewhere on the other side of the world,” Aaron revealed some of the realities of waiting for a match. The eventual parents coped by keeping themselves occupied and avoided opportunities for their minds to idle. Fortunately, their local adoption community was brilliant during these dark times. The support group caught up several times a year, where parents in waiting can come together with families with overseas-adopted children for social events. “To see those families and the kids made us realise that we were not alone and our journey felt real again,” Brian shared. There were difficult moments, and they knew it was imperative to maintain good physical and mental well-being. 

Amidst waiting, COVID-19 struck a pandemic that put the whole world to a standstill. The Colombian adoption program was to halt for twelve months. “All of their offices were closed, and staff were not working. They were not doing any matches as staff did not have access to files sitting in the locked offices,” Brian said. So, the dads-to-be decided to sell off their existing home to build another on a plot of land not far away; something that Aaron had always dreamed of doing. Even though they had a beautiful home, they felt it was not as family-friendly. COVID-19 became the catalyst for a new home to be built, one that would be designed with their most immediate needs in mind while meeting modern life's expectations. Just as their home of 8 years got a “SOLD” sign put on in mid-2020, the men received a call to learn that the adoption program was off-hold (a lot sooner than the twelve months they were anticipating to wait) and that there was a suitable match to them. 

The Queensland government undertook the preliminary assessment of the matched children to ensure that the children’s needs would not place undue pressure on the state’s health, educational and social welfare systems. Following that, Franco and Yersi’s information, excluding their physical characteristics or photographs, became available to Aaron and Brian. The prospective parents were given twenty-four hours to make a decision. It was only after the couple signed off on the adoption agreement that they learnt what their children-to-be looked like.

Hereafter, adoptive parents would customarily make arrangements to be present in Colombia within a month. Due to the impact of COVID-19, it was another seven months before Aaron and Brian travelled to Colombia and finalised the adoption of Franco and Yersi. The unprecedented delay was a blessing in disguise because the news of the match came when it was least expected and allowed time for Aaron’s brother, a builder, to complete their family home. Although unconventional, the pair were permitted to get to know Franco and Yersi over video calls every fortnight, facilitated by a Spanish-speaking friend in Brisbane and a social worker in Colombia. It was an exception to allow contact with Franco and Yersi because of the indeterminate duration of the delay. In retrospect, Aaron and Brian felt that this helped them build a relationship with Franco and Yersi so that there was a level of familiarity by the time they met in person. “We were able to send over some gifts that they could unbox while we were on a video call. We showed them parts of our house and their bedrooms,” Brian explained how the opportunity allowed the children more of a transition, and then continued, “They still got placed in our care full-time on the first day we met them. However, we are sure that the prior contact would have alleviated great stress associated with the unknown because we were not complete strangers, having talked for months beforehand.”

With limited flights during the height of COVID-19, it took three and a half days to travel from Brisbane to Bogotá, the capital city of Colombia. The day after Aaron and Brian arrived, Franco and Yersi had to say their goodbyes to their foster family, before taking a small plane from their local town to Bogotá. The proud parents recalled how tired and emotional everyone was. “It was mid-morning, and we were waiting in a room to meet Franco and Yersi. Within about half an hour, they were chauffeured with us back to our hotel, and they have been with us ever since,” Aaron remembered the day that they became dads. However, the more meaningful day for Franco and Yersi came when they took on their new parents’ surnames. “They were dancing on the streets and saying their new surnames, like “we got the same name, and you got the same name, and I got the same name,” and that effect even rolled onto the grandparents, like “Does that mean that they are my grandparents now and I get them forever?” because we all have the same surnames,” Brian relived the unforgettable day when the kids felt their status as a “forever” family were official. This day was also memorable for Aaron and Brian because Colombia stamped their status as legal adoptive parents with full parental rights.

The following days to weeks involved many play-based interactions as the new parents applied their novice command of the Spanish language. They remained in Bogotá over the next two months to complete all the legal proceedings. By the time they were ready to return to Australia, Franco and Yersi already held Australian citizenship and passports. Even though Aaron and Brian were full of praise for the Colombian adoption program, the children’s resilience was phenomenal. “We could not imagine what it is like for any young child to be sent back to a hotel room with effective strangers who do not speak their language very well. Yes, Franco and Yersi had arguably the utmost preparation, but no amount of preparation can truly prepare anyone for the unknown ahead of these children,” Aaron related some of his thoughts. The next giant leap was to take the three-day plane trip to come and live in Australia, an exhilarating prospect for young minds. The new fathers helped prepare their children for Australia through literature, photographs and videos on YouTube. “They were very excited, but Franco, being a bit older, was also aware that every flight meant that they were further away from Colombia and came with a sense of loss for leaving behind his homeland, family and friends,” Aaron continued.

Leaving their past behind for a new life down under, the Colombian siblings found themselves more love than they could have imagined. When Aaron and Brian expressed their desire to embark on this journey to parenthood, their families and friends were all very supportive. Even before they returned to Australia, everyone was delighted to finally meet Franco and Yersi on regular video calls, from their new grandparents to uncles, aunties and cousins. The family took a child-led approach to social integration, gradually introducing Franco, who was shyer and quieter initially and Yersi, a more energetic and extroverted soul, to their new family and friends circle. “It was important to ensure that the children were not too overwhelmed and were ready for each step we took while we introduced our new family to our circle of family, friends, and community around us,” Aaron said.

Since returning home during Easter 2021, the family of five (including their pet dog, Ziggy) has since lived in inner Brisbane. Their cosmopolitan locale lent a hand for Franco and Yersi to find their feet quickly within their new school and community. It was great that their local school had a dedicated support program for new migrant children from non-English speaking backgrounds. The school’s principal worked closely with the parents to ensure the smoothest transition into the new environment for every child. 

Conveniently, their neighbour’s child, who is the same age as Franco, attended the same school. To assist the kids with some social connection ahead of attending school, their thoughtful neighbour organised a barbeque with another Colombian family from school so the children could meet up. “Our neighbour also introduced us to many other parents at a park that is a stone’s throw between our home and the school. Our community received us with open arms from very early on. Some families even offered us outgrown school uniforms for Franco and Yersi,” Brian expressed amazement and gratitude.

In mid-2021, after being together as a family for about six months, Aaron and Brian felt that the kids were ready to commence school. “We devised a transition plan with different contingencies in place. However, Franco and Yersi felt right at home in their new school such that they were independent in a matter of days,” said Brian. The school also had a full-time team of English support teachers, where pre-covid, they would be busy enhancing the literary skills of other new migrant children. With COVID-19 border closures, Franco and Yersi found themselves to be the only new students, with the teachers giving them individual support on a daily basis. “The multiculturalism and diversity at the school were welcoming for the kids too because they did not feel any different from the other children. Not speaking English was not unusual, where about 70% of the families attending did not have English as their first language,” Brian continued. In addition, there were also Spanish-speaking families as well as rainbow families too.

The transition eased into routines. English quickly became second nature for the children after about nine months together. Brian had moved jobs to work at the school Franco and Yersi attended. They walk to school together to start their day while Aaron picks them up after school. Outside of school, Franco and Yersi enjoy spending time with their extended family, most of whom live within a 20 to 25-minute drive from where they live. Whether it is for a sleepover, kicking a soccer ball in the backyard, fishing, or enjoying a swim in the hot tub spa overlooking the hills, they would not let slip any chance for more time with their greater family whom they love dearly.

Nowadays, the family identifies as Colombian-Australians. Aaron and Brian continually embrace Colombian culture, while Franco and Yersi are increasingly Australian. Their home houses a Colombian flag. They watch Spanish films and shows together. The family’s Spotify playlist features many Colombian hits. They also eat a lot of Colombian food in restaurants nearby. “We frequent a Colombian restaurant for dinner. The chef-owner knows us now and will leave her kitchen to run out and give the kids the biggest hugs and kisses when she sees us. Like a loving grandma, she will come and sit with us at the table for a bit and give the kids some Colombian lollies, which is gold,“ Aaron shared the importance of maintaining the Colombian part of their identity. Franco and Yersi also loved sharing all aspects of their culture, whether it be music, dance, food or festivals. The family celebrates important Colombian festivals and events, like the Colombian Independence Day Festival held in the city each year, where the extended family all come together to join in the spirit and fun. On another occasion, they carried out the beautiful traditions of the “Day of the Little Candles,” with a Colombian meal together at home with family and friends, followed by lit candles placed around the front door where they prayed for their loved ones. “They are sharing those things with us, and we are letting them teach us all their Colombian history and culture, but they also love our Australian life too, from the beaches to the barbeques, not to mention the picnics they never knew before. They just love sitting in the park to eat or having fish and chips on the beach. They are very Australian and they are very Colombian!” Brian added. 

Even though Franco and Yersi are thoroughly loved and happy, there is no denying they have moments of missing the significant people in their lives from Colombia. “They talk about their foster parents, like their parents in Colombia, but also occasionally of their birth mother. These people will always be part of their story, and conversations may occur frequently. We never want them to think that they cannot talk about that part of their identity. We have photo albums, holding photos from the last 4-5 years of their lives with their foster family and friends. We regularly talk through their memories,” Aaron unfolded the ongoing sense of loss that the children face. “We only have indirect communication with their foster family. “We were not allowed to have their details,” Brian advised while explaining that they can write letters and send photos by providing them to the Queensland government adoption agency, who will forward them to the Colombian government and the recipient. “When they are sad or grieving their loss, we encourage them to write to their foster parents, especially mum, with whom they had a strong bond. It is part of supporting them to maintain that connection because they wanted their carer to know that they were safe and happy,” Brian summarised how they continued to care for the children’s vulnerability by encouraging their self-expression. They truly wanted to help Franco and Yersi embrace their past into the future and grow with resilience. 

Their approach is a recognition that our family and social connections shape who we become. They can influence our emotional and psychological well-being. We will all have personal experiences that will form our stories for the rest of our lives. Franco and Yersi joined a new family in a new country, but their past and psychosocial growth should never be undermined. 

For most of us, it is human instinct to seek connection with each other, looking for commonality while embracing our differences. Our community of families through international adoption and rainbow families continues to grow. A large part of this growth relies on peer support for understanding, “hand-holding” through the challenging moments, and maintaining connections for families to come together and celebrate each other and their community. Such community organisations and celebrations provide another avenue for children like Franco and Yersi to belong. As proud adoptive parents, Aaron and Brian support regular events held by their local adoption community. They host an event every couple of months for parents waiting to meet up. “We feel that we owe it to the community that supported us along our journey. It is also a privilege to be able to assist others on their journeys because we know that there will be others going through their journey where peer support will be invaluable. It is the positive reaffirming community that intending parents can aspire to that is honestly encouraging,” Aaron reflected on their ongoing commitment to the international adoption community in their local area. Aaron and Brian would love to see more parents fulfilling their wish to have their own family through international adoption, including the LGBTQI+ community.